|
rainbowslippers
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name:
Merichelle
Birthday: 3/15/1988
Interests:
poetry
photography
1920's
broadway
swing dancing
grinding
reading books
listening to emo
*poetic*
researching
analyzing
formulating theories
collecting everything
scrapbooking
skateboarding
basketball
embracing cultures
getting lost in nyc
filling up notebooks
freeing myself
Message: message me
AIM:  merichelle
AIM:  behindanjeleyes
Member Since:
4/29/2004
|
|
| i like violence, sex, and black people. i like azn people, too. if you're jewish i probably scrunch my nose at you, but then i get over it. white people as a whole are undelectable. individually, i don't mind the anomales. there's a girl sitting next to me that smells like a sneeze and i really wana punch her in the face. i really am talking to myself because i'm craving human contact. not that i mind seeing VIBE people, because they're super cool, or alex, who is the love of my life, but uhhhh. idk, i guess this is the manifestation of that? convos with myself in a computer lab.... ha ha ha i wonder how funny i am. i wonder where we all get our humor. i wonder why i've always found girls funnier than guys. i like silly people. i like witty people. i like sarcasm. all of which guys can do..but most guys i know, just aren't that type of funny, at leat not combined. sometimes the sarcasm is too denigrading. sometimes the wit ..haha what wit? and silly? okay misters bouisgese (i can't spell this)...i hate people who are denigrading with that, too. not to say i'm the most immature person. my maturity comes from experience, from studying a lot of people and deconstructing them. maybe i'm silly because i always was forced to be an adult as a kid. read read read and study study study. i think dancing was my form of fun. you should watch my mom do disco. then you'd understand why i 'let loose' in a strange strange way. am i an alien on a spaceship to mars or is this life a milky way bar..hrmmm | | |
| i read a line in "bright lights big city" about "fast food love." the main character met a girl in the club and loved her ponytail. i think the more appropriate term for that, and this, is fast food ass. having now hooked up with he same person three times in a row, i think it's smart to conclude we have crossed into the territory of fast-food-ass. the first time, you could always say, hey, one night stand okay. second time? well you both established you enjoyed the first time well enough to do it the second time...and the third time? shit, maybe this could actually be something i could get used to, because this is the THIRD time. trouble comes in three's. admittedly, by the third time, i was a little upset. i had the mindset of, oh i like this kid, oh, maybe this could go somewhere. after the third time blatantly established our arrangement, i realized we were just hooking up. my first reaction was, shit, i gotta stop hooking up with this kid. my second reaction was, wait. hahahah and this is what i thought. because this is how it goes. we hang out with our separate friends. 1..2..3..AM comes along and we start communicating. at this point, we are both either stoned, wasted, (or both), and undoutbedly, horny. we hook up..then pass out. now, i'm just going to take it for what it is. it is, what it is, and what it IS, is fast food ass. at first, i wanted something more. then i realized, i actually don't. i just got out of a "mad stoopid" relationship. i'm not looking for another one. i could see myself date this guy, but that requires effort. if i want to go out on a date, i have someone else for that...and friends? could we be friends? yeah, by a loose definition i'd classify us as acquaintances that maybe could develop into friends. we've hung out once, had some conversations, text a little. if we hung out just a smidgen more, i think i'd be completely satisfied, as opposed to my 80% satisfaction right now, which really isn't bad! i guess i'm just excited because for once, i'm really grateful for what i have. the last person i dated lived 45 minutes from me. i'd drive over, and sometimes, most times, he'd stand me up, so i'd wait for an hour..two hours..then drive back 45 minutes home- ass-less. not to mention the fact that he'd go MIA for weeks. which conditioned me to take what i could get. which could be anything from a two week period to a three wek period...to nothing. it was so fcked up then, and most definitely in retrospect. in comparison, the mere ability to get a text message, establish an arrangement for the night, and then walk over, ten minutes later, to get instant gratification? Oh-my-goodness, i forgot what this felt like. not to mention the fact that i don't have to worry about JACK SHIT. like blowing off my friends. or his feelings, or mine, really. it's nice! this will go absolutely nowhere, and for once, i'm so fine with that, because i like where it is right now, and that makes me absolutely happy. i love it. | | |
| so i'm at vibe, exhausted as fuuuucking hell.
albeit, totally worth it. i was in such a good mood yesterday. i walked around with the mund-ster for two hours b.c it was his birthday on monday and me and andy cooked up a feast, as usual.
i'm the managing editor of pulse, which is the intern magazine at vibe. i work right under the editor-in-chief and this translates to me being tired- all the damn time.
but anyways, as i daydream about sleep and the weekend...thoughts turn to random things. i had a dream the other night that there was this penis that came mayonaise. at first i'm like, 'omg what is all that white stuff?? is that an std?!" but no, it was just mayo. what the fck is that supposed to symbolize. i remember this other time, i had a dream that there was this bear chasing after me that tried to have sex with me. i realized later that that was 'me' the bear. b.c my nickname is merbear, which is kind of funny. like my two selves trying to come into one. which was relevant at the time i suppose.
i have this girlfriend. she loves me very much. or at least she thinks she does. it's really sad b.c i don't think i love her anymore. i care about her .. but i realize i just don't like her as a person.
i read this quote that said that the heart changes with the thought. i know that sometimes, when a person crosses a line with me, or i come to some sudden revelation of a person, and/or they just hurt me or do something so utterly unacceptable with my own personal beliefs, i just kind of go, 'i'm not down with that. peace'. i don't verbally say it, but that's pretty much what occurs...
well this girl. she's super malicious and manipulative. she's also a slut. i guess i have a history of having girlfriend sluts, and maybe it's my own fault for choosing to keep those types of girls close to me, but as flirtatious as i may be, as much as i've hurt guys in the past, i have a zero percent history of doing a girl wrong over a dude. it just doesn't fcking sit with me at all. i mean let's be real, first rule of the streets. ho's before bro's. it's a shitty world out there anyway, how you gona go and screw ya girl over, especially when they been through the mad shitty bro's in your life, for... for what?
then again, i say to myself, it's not even that she did shit with him. let's review three girlfriends. the first girlfriend, she never hooked up with my ex, but she emotionally cheated on me, with him! confided in him. they hung out 24/7. she'd call and text him nonstop. i never ever worried that they'd do that to me (hook up), but it was just so disrespectful to me, when she slowly made him her best friend instead of mine. then there's this other girl, who i found out slept with someone i was dating. i found out through another friend, confronted the girl, who never apologized or excused it, just asked me to understand. we finally talked, months later, but she was nevr lamentful for her actions. i remember her saying, 'you had nothing to do with it'. um..excuse me? i don't care that you're a fugly slut. i care that 1. you're not comfortable enough with me to express a situation 2. that you don't see how i could be offended. if she asked..if she told me..i really wouldn't care. she was more sorry she was caught then anything. then there's the third friend, who knew i was crushin on this kid for months. albeit, i was dating someone else when she hooked up with him, but she dropped this piece of information as if she was talking about something casual, like her hair or a school project. then she walked away! like, what was the point of that?? i really had to wonder. was that to make me feel jealous? was that to upset me? or was it just her way of being honest and stupid? either way, it showed no value, why put it out there.
man..i don't know. that shit drives me up the wall. i just would never do that to another girl! why would they do that to me? maybe i am taking it too personally. slutty girls are insecure. i've had a lot of pretty friends. one of my best friends is HOT. we know we can get guys to sleep with us. we know we can get guys to fall in love with us. we DON'T. because we don't have to prove anything to anyone. i don't need that reassurance that some dude thinks my body is banging'. my girl doesn't need those sweet corny lines that would make her giggle or roll her eyes. we can hold our own down. we've got self worth.
on one level, this is why i can't empathize with sluts. once you put a boy before one of your girls, you're saying that you need something from that. something more than your friends can give you, and maybe it's really that superficial and it's JUST sex. but it NEVER is just sex. which makes me sad for them. in retrospect, all these girls want is a sense of worth. that's something i wish i could help them find, but i know that everyone has to find it from themselves. if that requires them to misplace values, dignity, and well, sacrifice my friendship with them, i'm sorry. but i don't think i could stay friends with someone who i can't respect, and frankly, i can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.
| | |
| i wish i had an emotional toilet to puke out all my emotions. =D | | |
| [15:05] Adam: forget it, i watched this czech movie recently, valerie a tyden divu, its about a little girl getting her period for the first time
[15:05] Adam: and vampires
[15:06] Adam: its so beautiful...
[15:07] Adam: thats what the culture is like here though...
[15:07] Adam: her grandmother is fucking this evil vampire dude
[15:08] Adam: eventually she has to save her grandmother, and learn a few life lessons, all while blossoming to fertility
[15:09] Adam: it verges on child pornography i'm not going to lie, very communist too | | |
|